i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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