Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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