addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
