Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
