just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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