I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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