im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
