he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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