I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
