TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
