I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Redeem this text for a blowjob
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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