my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
