why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
