How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
