seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
