my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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