I can text with my tongue
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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