His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
