I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
