kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
