Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
