I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
