Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
