The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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