I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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