you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
