I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
