Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
