Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
