I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize