My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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