Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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