The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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