I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
