What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
