I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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