im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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