So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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