the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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