i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
