Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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