Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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