WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
What happened to fro yo and sex?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
