i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
