My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
