i just wanna soil my oats bro
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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