I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
