Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
