All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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