My liver just broke up with me...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize