are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
