it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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