So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
