Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
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