did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Randomize
