Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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