Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
