i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
