Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
