I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
i've created a new STD.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
