i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
