Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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