Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
