if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
