Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We're too hungover to prance.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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