she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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