From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
