I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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