Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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