I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
